Whether the eyes that are reading this are those of a caring friend or just the curious eyes of those who want to know things that were never there business in the first place, just know one thing: These words are for me. They aren’t about revenge or hate, but liberation through telling my story. I realized that until I speak, I will carry this with me, and I can’t do that. I just can’t. An ugly tale was shared on a global scale, and when it happened I bit my tongue. But now I have to let it go, and I’ve come to realize the only way for me to do that is to finally tell my side of the story… to the same audience I heard it from.

This summer left a huge impression on me. Things happened that I wish never took place. Words were exchanged and I watched parts of me –some real, but most fabricated – exploited across the net. It was my worst fear come true; a complete loss of control as I watched myself be cornered, berated and attacked in front of an unlimited audience. I still have days where I wish I could stand up before the crowd of people who read the stories and heard the rumors and tell my side of the story. Where I could stand up and explain the things he never saw. Clear the misunderstandings that turned into lies. Vent the anger that had me wrestling with a hate-filled side of myself that I never wanted to meet.

I was angry. I was hurt. And yet I hurt for him and wished he could’ve seen the real reasons behind why things ended. I wished that he could see I left him because I was unhappy. That I hadn’t been happy since winter ‘09.That I felt a loss of voice and a loss of control. That I never felt understood, just mistaken, all the time. That I couldn’t handle being told how I felt, or what was wrong with me when deep down I knew it had to be something else.

I write these things not because I want to start anything. I say these things because it’s about damn time I have a voice.

When I watched the things written publically about myself over the summer, I swore I would never do this. I swore I would never publicize my issues and risk tearing someone the way I watched my courage, my self-confidence and my conscience torn into what seemed like irreconcilable pieces. But I need to speak. I need to say some things publically that I never got the chance to.

I lost my voice through the barrage, and my walls went higher than they had ever been. I tried to hide it. Tried to smile and pretend it didn’t hurt. That the blogs, the rumors, the emails, the phone calls and the texts didn’t play with my head and make me question my faith, my sense of right and wrong and even my own identity. But I only succeeded in becoming distant and quiet.

I wanted to scream from the top of my lungs the truth when all I heard were lies born from misunderstandings. I didn’t cheat. The relationship formed over the summer didn’t ‘reveal’ my ‘true’ reasons for leaving him, but was the result of feeling known and understood for the first time in a very long time. I wanted him to know I had ended our relationship on my own accord and not through anyone else’s influence. That I been trying to leave the relationship for months, but he would talk me out of it.

I remember the time when you told me, “You couldn’t break up with me even if you wanted to because it would kill me. And you couldn’t live with knowing that.” And I remember believing you.

It took me months to work up the courage. It was the hardest and scariest thing I could remember having to do. I left behind me the promise of a comfortable life, a loyal man, wonderful what-would-have-been-in-laws and a sense of family I had never felt before.

I gave it up because you deserved to be loved by someone who could love you wholly. Not someone who was killing herself simply to keep you from hurting, and bringing you down in the process.

Through all of this, I don’t hate you. Nor do I think you’re a bad person. I think you’re a wonderfully creative soul and in spite of everything I’m ridiculously proud of all that you’re accomplishing now. You deserve it. I mean that. I believe the things you did when our relationship ended showed a side of you that isn’t the real you; a side of you spurred by anger, hurt, a broken heart and broken pride.

But that certainly doesn’t justify the email you sent to where worked, the package with everything sentimental torn to pieces, the disturbingly graphic blogs of fictional stories painting me in a cold, empty, selfish, immoral and broken way. It doesn’t justify you sharing parts of my past with mutual friends who then tried to talk me into counseling. And it certainly doesn’t justify you intentionally trying to turn my friends against me only to call me up and say, “You’ve burned more bridges than you know, and you won’t fully know it until you go home.”

You went too far. And for awhile you left one helluva mark.

Maybe this is wrong, writing these things for the world to see. Maybe this is no better than what you did to me. But at least I’m speaking honestly and without a guise. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that I have a choice. And I choose to take a stand against the shadow your words cast over me and kill the fear your actions instilled within my life.

I came out of this stronger, and I’m thankful for it. I finally did learn. I learned that I have a choice, and that no one – no one – can rob me of the things that make me who I am without my permission. You weren’t the first, but you are the last.

Yes, there are a lot of things we can’t choose in this life. We can’t choose our families or how we were raised or the cards we’ve been dealt. But there are choices we can make. I can choose hope over dismay, perseverance over defeat, trying over settling for less and facing my fears versus running from them.

Choices aren’t always easy. Recently I made a slew of them that have me sleeping less and working more. I’m fighting for a breakthrough I know is possible, and in my head I’ve chosen to no longer take no for an answer.

It’s no longer I will or I’ll try, but I am. I am pursuing my dreams. I am independently working my way to the career I want, and unlike my internship you can’t try to claim the credit for it. I am living for more than just myself. I am fulfilling my yearning to help others in their journey just as so many others have helped me. I am embracing feeling over fear. I am loving unconditionally and looking beyond my own things to see the whole picture.

And I see great things before me, great people beside me and a newfound authority over the fears that once held me captive.

I am not a victim, because I choose not to be a victim. I do not have a label because I refuse to claim them. No person can steal from me who I am and my potential to be whatever I dream of being. I will not let them.

I found the keys, I’ve found freedom. It lies in the power of choice.

I’m choosing to live fearlessly.

“…Don’t be afraid and know your worth.” – The Rocket Summer

"Every day should be a good day with good thoughts and good feelings, because you never know when you are going to leave. I've faced death many times, but I'm a slow learner. I've finally learned to appreciate life, because it is sacred. Now if someone says to me, "I'm not spiritual," I'll say, "You breathe, don't you?" Well, that's spiritual. Spirituality is breath, and you take it from there." -Vernon Harper, Northern Cree

I've completely fallen in love with this book. It's called "The Book of Elders" and it's literally just transcripts upon transcripts of conversations with true Native American elders. These interviews took place in the 90's by Sandy Johnson who felt called to share the underrated wisdom of these strong, spiritual people. I'm not the type of person to recommend books unless they completely rock my world. Yet to anyone who seeks any sort of spiritual journey, I highly encourage you to pick it up. These people understand life and the spirit better than anyone or anything I've ever encountered.

As I read the words of these people, I was amazed. They spoke things I've always known within my soul and longed to hear from the lips of someone else. God exists within their words, their stories, their culture and their lifestyle. Though many of the Native people now wrestle with the demons of addiction and the painful loss of their language and culture throughout the generations, there are still others who hold fast to Hope and have not forgotten who they are, and who they belong to. They continue to fight for their freedom, for the lives of their children, for the earth and the history and spirituality that the US Government to this day continues to rob from them.

Just like the Native Americans, Hope still exists in spite of the "dis-ease" (as Sarah Smith put it) we've  found ourselves in. We can still remember and re-learn who we are. We can still find our purpose in life. We can still find balance. We can still find peace and understanding and healing.

But in order to do so we must go back and relearn the things we've forgotten.

There are countless quotes I'd like to share from this book. Several of them I'll start sharing via the One Little Love Facebook page as part of the inspirational quote series I'll be doing a couple times a week. But there's one excerpt that I just wanted to share with someone - anyone really - because I think it speaks volumes:

"I don't think that there is a family today that isn't hurting, and in need of healing.

It has been prophesied by our people that the time would come that we would be in this state. That we would be wandering around in darkness even though the sun is out. And that the heads of the chiefs and the leaders would be rolling like tumbleweeds in a desert storm...

Understanding the duality of life is important, whether it be winter or summer, hot or cold, left or right, day or night. The balance of day and night is critical. We have gotten out of balance with the daytime and the nighttime. It has become "seemingly" necessary to work 16 to 18 hours a day, and rest for five at the most. We allow the children of today to go off to school by themselves to a teacher who is not a family member, for six to eight hours a day. They have to get up early in the morning to sit on a bus for an hour and when they return at night they watch television until suppertime, then more TV, and then to bed. We no longer spend that quality time with them, so there is no longer interaction between the old and the young.

Children need the balance only their parents and the old people can give them. There was a time when the evening was storytime for both, when they could share the day's message. The children are also our teachers; we have forgotten to honor that, too.

In the times of the good life there were 12 hours for work and play and twelve hours for rest and healing. Today we find ourselves with so much "dis-ease", and we wonder why." - Sarah Smith, Six Nations, Mohawk Tribe

Thoughts?

I want to do something that matters; use my life to help other people, to turn this world in a better direction. I want to raise awareness about the things that are happening today & inspire others to make changes for the better as I choose to do the same. I want to reveal hope in places where it's grown dim. I want to live and not be a slave to a system ruled by a shoddy government. But how?

Even as I type these things, I feel that fire burning inside of me. It's like a need. I feel so many things on my heart that I want to act upon. And I think to myself, why did we ever let ourselves become slaves to paper? I read about the Native Americans, and how they used to live. They didn't rely on money. There was trade, yes. But they also lived a lifestyle where  giving was a joy. They gave to those in need, and when in need others gave to them. No one was wealthy, but no one was poor. Everyone in the community supported each other and did their best to make sure everyone had what they needed.

The more I read and learn, the more I realize just how much of life they understood... and how little we know.

We're out of balance, and utterly blind to it. We slave over money and unless we're lucky enough to work in a field that feeds our passion, we hardly ever find time or the means to pursue more important things. We work countless hours a week, we sleep maybe 5 hours a night while seeking material things to fill the void that's consuming us. Our bodies are tired, our souls become weary.

If that isn't you, you're lucky. Because so many people wake up day by day fearing the system we've come to live in. The one that rules us through finances, loans, utility bills, insurance bills, work that never ends, fear of losing jobs and losing means, fears of affording a roof over our heads and food on the table. IF we're lucky to have the money to fear losing. Because so many people don't even have that.

That was a bit of a tangent. I guess what I'm feeling is a stagnance and a longing for something better. Part of me wishes I never left the youth ministry major because I miss working with youth. Now that was a joy! But I hated the politics I saw in the religion department and in the church as well. That pushed me away. Today I have yet to go to a church where I feel as at home and comfortable with the ministry as I did my home church. That *was* home (and still is, really. My heart still misses it more than I could imagine). I miss mission work, I miss the bible studies and the teachings. I miss the questions and the seeking and walking with others in their spiritual journeys as I continue on my own.

Yet I love journalism, and I still would work in the field if I could find the opportunity where I could afford to live and write. And perhaps this is just me venting. I've just begun this journey, and I'm getting a little impatient and ahead of myself. I pray about these things, and I know the doors will open. I just wish it was today. There's a lot of things I wish I could get into if I had the time and the means.

I trust God will open those doors for me as long as I keep seeking the opportunities out. As long as I stay in tune and stay in balance with the things that truly matter. It's just some days I grow impatient...

I look at the world today and I see imbalance. I see brokenness and hurting and wounds that need healing. And I want to be a part of that healing process. I always have.

I just need to find out where to start.

"It takes a night to make it dawn

And it takes a day to make you yawn brother

And it takes some old to make you young

It takes some cold to know the sun

It takes the one to have the other..."

Today is beautiful.

I say this, but who am I to deem one day better than the next? Is it that some days hold more glory than others, or is it just a matter of how wide we open our eyes? For so long I've fought the same battle; an internal one waged against myself.  I carried a heaviness with me. Fear and Doubt clung to my heart like needy children and I dragged them with me every step.

But lately I've met a new companion. His name is Peace. With him Fear and Doubt dissipate. Their hands grow weaker and I can shake the dust from this once dormant soul that is learning how to move again. How to breathe and dance and feel and laugh.

Deep inside I feel a call, like a gentle tug at the edge of my shirt. It whispers, "I am here. I am a part of you. Know me." I sense You on the mountain top and in silence I can feel You near. And I realize all this pain and all these scars... they serve a purpose.

For so long I stared at my reflection and cursed its every imperfection. But now I see the wounds inside of me aren't as ugly as they seem. I stare at my reflection again, but this time I open my eyes a little wider. Beneath the scar laden skin is still a heart. Listening, I realize it beats with a rhythm, wild and untamed. Courage wells within my soul, overriding the Fear. Strength long hidden starts to blossom. Life still exists here, and its starting to thrive. 

I am alive. Eyes open, I look to the painted horizon, each color melting together. I think to myself no matter how bad a day may seem, it will always begin and end with something beautiful. Good things always exist.

Each day is beautiful...

"...life is wonderful."

*Lyrics: Life is Wonderful by Jason Mraz

“I've got a fear of flying on my plane cuz we've got no say in how it ends up… I'd never take a chance on a love that gets me off the ground. I cling to earth-bound things

But I wanna spread my wings somehow…”

In the past five days I’ve traveled through four states, spent three days in the wilderness, snagged a steady job in an average-looking town and prepared to leave my third place-to-call-home since January.

Intense?

I’m living day by day and feeling more vulnerable – and more alive – than I can ever remember being. I’m taking chances on things that I never thought possible and daring to seek the dreams I’ve had invested in my heart for years as if they could be reality.

I say that and it sounds wonderful – full of adventure. And in some ways it is. Living the frugal life of a stubborn artist/writer bent on pursuing her aspirations appeals to me. Illustrating a children’s book and finishing my novel makes me giddy just to think about. The fact that my creativity is alive and kicking thrills me.

At the same time there’s still those little voices of Doubt and Fear inside of me screaming at the top of their lungs that perhaps life will take these things and tear them apart, leaving me disheartened and downtrodden. I’m taking a thousand risks and it’s scary as hell.

But I can’t help but think… what if some, or even one, of my hopes and dreams actually unfold?

So much of my life has been led by fear. The ‘what-ifs’ would scare me away from ever trying. For 22 years I clung to the safe route hoping that if I tread lightly perhaps I’ll be able to skirt this life without too many scars.

But what’s the point of life if you never actually try to do the things that make you feel alive?

Slowly I’m beginning to learn that. It’s finally starting to seep in, and yes, I’m both excited and scared to death. I’m afraid of failure; afraid of repeating past mistakes or getting let down or not being good enough.

But I believe being honest and taking a stab at things that matter to me are worth the risk. Even if I fall, that doesn’t mean I’ve failed. Even if this isn’t the right route, it isn’t the last one.

It’s all just beginning.

I’m just glad to finally take that chance.

“…Suddenly something beyond the clouds is calling me...So I'm ready to soar.”*

*Song Lyrics: Fear of Flying by Mya